Farewell To The First 200 & The Life Behind Me!!

The past 10 days, since my last post, have been pretty amazing! I've hit two more milestones and am feeling like I am on cloud 9 right now. I've reached the 200lbs lost mark since my heaviest and I am now in a size 22 (a size that I haven't seen since high school), and I have to admit it feels pretty darn good to be able to do that! I've lost 16 sizes- I was a 38 at my heaviest. I can't believe I was that size or even that I let myself get to that point! I've been going through some older pictures of me that I've hidden away from the world. And I don't even look very much like that person anymore... nor do I feel like her either! Just being at this point in the journey is so liberating. Food is no longer in control of my life and I have sight on all of the goals that I'm going to accomplish.

I went back to see my counselor today. Our session went well. Last time I saw him he was wanting to see me once a week for a while. However, with the new year came issues with my insurance and medicare that we had to figure out first. So, I wasn't able to get in to see him again until today, but I came out of there feeling even better than I did before I went in. And he's decided that he doesn't need to see me as much as he thought he was going to. He talked to me about communication because I am very passive and always have been. I let others have what they want just to keep peace in most situations. So he gave me homework and gave me two books to read. He also asked me about my life and what got me to the point that I'm at now. I told him and he was amazed at how mentally stable I've become. Those of you that have known me for a while know some or maybe even all of my story. But for those that don't I'll share it... My dad left when I was 4 and I was a major daddy's girl... he broke my heart. My mom said, that I wouldn't have anything to do with her and that I told her I hated her all the time. And that is when my weight problem began. I moved around a lot as a kid and watched my mom go through a few abusive relationships... one of which was to a man that was verbally and mentally abusive to my brother and I as well.  By the time I hit my mid teens I had a lot of issues bottled up inside of me from childhood that I really didn't know how to deal with. I hated who I was. So, I started trying to create a new person... someone I'd never really be... someone I thought people would like. This false identity was definitely not one any better than my own. I think deep down I hated "her" as much as I did me. I told a lot of lies and hurt a lot of people that I cared about.  I was blocking out reality and letting the the "new" me mask the pain, depression, and low self-worth. Before I graduated from high school I started drinking and hiding it from everyone. Eventually it and my lies caught up with me and that's when I realized how much I was hurting the ones I cared the most about. It killed me inside. I became very depressed and had thoughts of suicide. When I got to the point that I couldn't function and was doing nothing but laying in bed all day crying I realized I needed help. My mom admitted me into a mental hospital. I got help and started doing better and was released back into the real world. It helped for a little while... until I graduated from high school and shortly after that had my heart broken by someone I cared very much about. At that point I fell back into the depression and and I started drinking pretty heavy. My life rapidly spiraled downward from there, yet somehow I thought it was better than ever! Drinking and partying all the time without a care in the world. I ran a friend over because I chose to drink and drive... I spent a night in jail for that and spent a bit of time in court because of it too. Luckily, my friend came out of it ok and is still my friend today. I also lost a few friends that chose to drink and drive as well. But still I was oblivious to what the booze was doing to me, my friends, and my life. Still choosing the life I was leading, I got into a mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive relationship... that completely destroyed any self-worth I did have at that point. I was already pretty heavy, but through out the year and a half that I was with him I gained over 150 lbs. Lots of food and booze is what got me through. Eventually my Mom realized how depressed I was after another of many arguments with him and convinced me to leave and move back in with her. The day after I left him I got news that I was diabetic, but I STILL continued to give in to the food and the booze. Until one morning I finally woke-up and realized what I had done to my life. I didn't want to live like that anymore and gave up the booze for good. I even tried to eat like a diabetic should, but never really had the proper education on diabetic eating and wasn't really doing so great at it. About a year later I met Ron... he was my "saving grace". Somehow, he made me forget about my past and look to the future. I knew the moment I met him that he was the one and ever since he's been my best friend and my rock. Shortly after we were married I found out I was pregnant when I had a miscarriage. At that point is when my health literally came crumbling down. I went from taking oral diabetic meds to insulin, developed high blood pressure and high cholesterol and a thyroid problem as well. My feet and legs began to swell to the extreme that my feet looked like bubbles with little stubs on the end of them. I had to wear shoes 4 sizes bigger than my normal size. I was unable to work and felt helpless. I began the fight for my disability and decided that once I got it I was going to do what I needed to to get healthy and get the weight off. Once I was approved I started seeing a endocrinologist and a diabetic educator. I was able to get my A1Cs down way past the goal they had set for me within 3 months. The weight at this point was coming off pretty quick but not quick enough for me. I'd thought about Gastric Bypass for the past 10 years, but never felt that I was ready to take on something that takes that much willpower and commitment. In May of last year I realized that I was ready. I went for it and started the process and here I am today! There's no looking back... I will never live a life like that again. I've got a bright future ahead of me and I intend to savor every bit of it.

Okay, so back to the last ten days and why I am on a high right now. As I said, I met some amazing milestones and am on cloud 9 because of that. But I have also made a few new friends this week as well that have had WLS or are in the process of having it. It always helps me to hear other peoples stories and how far they have come. Or to even share mine with the ones that are still working on getting it all in order. It keeps me focused and motivated to keep doing what I need to be. My new friends ROCK! And by the way... so do all of my old ones! ;) Happy Hump Day Everyone... I hope it was a good one!

12 Weeks Post-Op & Feelin' Great!

First off I just want to thank everyone who has cheered me on through all of this and to those who have been a rock for me to lean on when I needed it. I wouldn't have done so well without you! I'm so blessed to have each and everyone of you in my life. Thank you!

Well, mentally I am doing much better than I was when I blogged 4 weeks ago. I was an emotional wreck then and I was so frustrated. Since then I've done a lot of soul searching and thinking about the "me" two years ago and the "me" now. Two years ago I was 465lbs and fighting for disability because I was no longer able to work due to the severe pain and swelling in my back, legs, and feet which was caused by the weight. I was on 4-5 shots of insulin a day, medications for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and other weight related illnesses. I am now down to 272 and off of all of those medications and I have very little swelling in my feet and legs and hardly any pain at all. I can honestly say I feel amazing compared to how I felt back then. I'm not the same person and I don't ever want to be that person again! I have no regrets what so ever about the choices I have made in the past year and I am thankful that I didn't talk myself out of the surgery before going through with it. I've started seeing a counselor for the depression and the issues that I've been having and he's helped open my eyes as to what's important and what I need to be doing to stay on track and reach the goals I've set for myself. There were certain things I was doing and wanted to do, but I felt that by doing them the way I wanted to that I was being selfish. When I talked to the counselor about these things he felt that they were things that would be in my best interest to follow through on. He made me realize that right now I need to be selfish and worry about taking care of myself and getting healthy and nothing else that could keep me from accomplishing what I set out for in the first place. So, that's what I am doing... 2011 is going to be all about reaching my goals and becoming a fit, healthy, and happy being. I will no longer worry about how my personal decisions that pertain to any of that are going to make others feel. If they can't understand that I am doing what I feel is best for my success at this than I don't need them in my way bringing me down. I can't believe I can actually sit and read or watch a program on TV about people with the issues I had two years ago and say, "I was that person." I've lost nearly 200lbs... an entire person! I honestly can't believe how far I have come, but I can say that I feel amazing and I don't ever want to not feel this way again. Here's to 2011... Health and Happiness! Have a great one everyone! ♥ Ya!